Aussie banned from driving.

An Australian man was last Thursday stopped by the police in Auckland after the police noticed suspicious behaviour while driving. The man, Brett Canoleum(25) was given a breath test, which he failed, and was taken to the policestation for a further test of his alcohol level. There the police found that his blood alcohol was 0,4, 0,1 under the minimum limit for driving in Australia.

"I had already taken four pints," said Canoleum "and I thought it was going so well, but obviously it just wasn't enough. I think I might have to go back to liquor again."

"We noticed a car driving worringly straight on the road and also stopping at all the red lights and decided we should stop him," said the arresting officer. "When he rolled down the window I could barely smell alcohol from his breath. At first I thought he had taken a breathmint or something."

Although the Caoleum pleaded his case for the court saying that he didn't know he metabolised alcohol that quickly, the court had no alternative but to ban him from driving for six months.

Sober drivers is becoming an increasing problem in Australia. A spokesperson for Drink and Drive Safely(DDS) said that this is a worrying trend.
"We can't have people go around driving sober. Alcohol is the biggest income we have in Australia, and the only one except tourism, so we need to make sure that people drink all they can, even if they are working the day after."

Several other groups, like Booze Support group(BS) and Friends of Underaged drinkers(FU), have put pressure on the government to place regular opening hours from in any official offices from 10 AM, to give people a chance to have less of a hangover when coming to work. They hope that this will stimulate a heavier drinking binge on weekdays to stimulate the economy. The government has issued a statement saying the will look into the matter.

Sheiks wants to buy UEFA

London: The owners of Manchester City Football Club and Portsmouth Football Club have discussed a joint purchase of UEFA. Although they first wanted to buy FIFA, the owner of Accrington Stanley Football Club decided that they didn't hate Sepp Blatter enough to buy FIFA. Thus UEFA is all the Man. City and "Pompey" owners can afford. Although their motives are unsure, the bigges motivator is apperantly to get rid of "that fat cunt, Michel Platini" as a friend of Sulaiman Al-Fahim said to SNN.

Many people have thought about buying up UEFA before. The inhabitants of Liverpool, being fed up with meeting Chelsea in every Champions League quarter or semi-final did try to raise money to buy UEFA, all they managed to raise was £10, mainly due to them all being on welfare. Newcastle supporters also tried to raise funds to buy up UEFA, but no one understood what they were saying so amount of funds and motives are still unknown.

Sources close to Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic say that he has also been approached by the all to wealthy sheiks, but when asked if he wanted to participate in the purchase of UEFA or FIFA he answered in very bad English "I have no intention of being co-owner in a institution for the mentally ill". If he meant that UEFA and FIFA are crowded by insane people, which is true, or if he thought that UEFA and FIFA are actualy institutions for mentally ill people set in Siberia is unknown.

Neither Platini nor any of the sheiks with their arses stuffed with money have been avalible for comments.

Congress changes national anthem

Washington/Paris: The House of Representatives decided today to make substantial changes in The US's national anthem. Although exactly what changes to be made have yet to be decided, the green light for change has been given. A committee of senators will be appointed to narrow down the suggested changes into a handful, which will then be voted off in a series of elections in the House of Representatives. The Senate will only approve the elected winner.

Sources within the House of Representatives says that one of the most likely changes is the last two lines of the first verse. The current verse ends with "The land of the free and the home of the brave" but it is highly likely that this is will be changed to "The land of surveillance and home of paranoia".

In the streets these new changes to the anthem have been met with mixed reactions.

"This is an outrage, a disgrace and mockery of our tradition," said Bill Backray (69). "They say that we Americans are paranoid. We're not. The reason I have 20 cameras around my house and stay away from anyone that look like a Muslim is because I'm cautious, not because I'm paranoid."

More sensible persons thinks it's a good idea.

"America has changed as a country and Americans have changed as a people. That's why it's fitting that we get a national anthem that fits us as a people."


In response to the new idea, other nations have decided to look to the honourable and wise people to the West and have put their national anthems under review to something that fit them better than the old ones.

The French government is suggesting that they substitute "Le Marseillaise" with one verse saying "We Surrender" in multiple languages. The People's Republic of China has decided to censor it's national anthem due to that it may be used incorrectly in any possible circumstance. North-Korea has also decided to censor it's national anthem, along with anything that makes people smile except Kim Jong-Il's birthday, while Argentina is going to have a general election about wheter or not to substitute it's national anthem with the former German one used under the Nazi regime.

Russia fumes over "Red Alert 2"

Moscow/Madrid/Lima: Russian president Dmitry Medvedev has supposedly said that he will be bring EA Games, a video games developer and distributor, to court. President Medvedev is fuming after he discovered that the Sovjetunion in the game "Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2" was "the bad guy". Sources say he thinks that it's just as likely that the US forces would be the evil invaders and that by making the Sovjetunion invade several countries, including the US, he believe that EA Games are picturing Russians as aggressive, violent, dodgy and really crappy in English.

Although the game was realeased in 2000, it is just recently that Russia have recieved computers capable of running the game. Several members of the Russian public have reacted to the way Sovjetunion is pictured, saying that it's the way Westernes view modern day Russia. One Russian 16 year old gamer said;

This is not the way Russia OR the Sovjetunion is or ever was. It is the Americans that are the warmongerers. We are a peaceful people. They also picture our leader as a fat man with a pet turtle. And when it comes to special units they have all the cool people while we are stuck with stupid idiots. Besides, how come the US get the super-hot Tanya? We have many hot russian girls you can fantasize about. Just look at Olga over there!

Although it is not sure which court Russia will bring EA Games to or when, Russia are not the only ones reacting to how EA Games picture people and countries. Al-Qaida has released a statement where they react towards what they believe is EA Games' picturing of them in the follow up game; "Command & Conquer: Generals". An unkown Al-Qaida spokesperson supposed to be Osama bin Laden's 25th son-in-law lashes out at EA Games and the faction called "Global Liberation Army" or the "GLA".

It is clear that the GLA is Al-Qaida. We do not fight like this. Our men are not terrorist or rebels, like they call the infantry. Our men are freedom fighters, men of honour and faith. They also mock us by introducing the Toxin Tractor. Who the hell uses a tractor in warfare these days? We are not uncivilised barbarians. The Americans are.

However what Al-Qaida is going to do about it is unknown. Former US President George W. Bush also reacted when the expansion pack to "Generals", "Command & Conquer: Generals Zero Hour" was released due to the Americans loosing to the GLA in the storyline. He found that this was bad for the morale of the American people due to the ongoing war in Iraq and Afghanistan and wanted to condem the game, but as he struggled to pronounce the name of the game, his advisors found it best to keep his mouth shut.

Individuals have also reacted to EA Games. The world's most sissy footballer and worst diver, Christiano Ronaldo, was annoyed to find out that it was possible to tackle him in the FIFA series without getting a free kick going his way. Friends of Ronaldo said that he knew that it is not possible to take the ball away from him without fouling him, thus making the game increadibly unrealistic. The fact that you also couldn't dive further furied him. He also became angry when he found out that it was indeed possible to substitute him or even place him on the bench, something he deemed "unrealistic and increadibly stupid". What the sissy will do about it except crying, is unknown.

EA Games have issued a short statement to answer all the allegations considering their games. The spokesman told the media last Thursday "LOL!"